A divorce can be many things. It is a legal proceeding to end a marriage. Divorce laws differ from state to state regarding the requirements and reasons or grounds for a divorce. The mechanisms and procedures for obtaining a divorce differ from state to state as well. In every state there is a legal requirement that a divorce proceeding be filed to end the legal marriage between a couple.

A divorce is a weapon. It can be a legal weapon. It can also be a verbal weapon which too frequently is used by an unhappy spouse who will hurl a threat: “If you do not do this, I will divorce you.” This often is a means of control. It is also dirty fighting. Sometimes this threat of a divorce is a means of keeping someone in a marriage. To me, it is a statement that the marriage is in trouble and could perhaps end in a divorce unless the parties go into counseling.

I tell my divorce clients that a divorce is extremely painful. It is going to be one of the most horrible events that occurs in a lifetime. Psychologists say that the most traumatic event a person can experience is the death of a child. Second is the death of a spouse in an intact marriage. Third is a divorce. Never minimize the psychological impact of a divorce.

There is also a psychological divorce. This occurs when one or both spouses finally let go of the relationship and move on emotionally. I believe that a psychological divorce is just as important, if not more important, than a legal divorce. Emotionally it is much more devastating than the legal divorce. Until both people in a marriage let go, they will continue to battle through the Courts. This will create havoc and damage, often for years to come. Long after the legal divorce is over, people fight over custody, child support, and any other issue in order to continue the psychological battle through the Courts.

In addition to the legal divorce, there can be a religious divorce. In Catholicism, there is an annulment that is necessary in order to remarry in the church. In Judaism, there is a GET, or religious divorce, which is necessary before an Orthodox or Conservative Jew can remarry in the Jewish Faith. There is also a Muslim divorce. Other religions also have means of recognizing the end of the marriage through religious ceremonies or requirements before there can be a remarriage in a particular faith.

Divorce is not only painful, but it can be very costly. It can be damaging. Costs and damages in a divorce depend on the complexity of the case. They depend on how angry or inappropriate each spouse is going to act. The amount and complexity of the finances and whether custody is an issue, can increase the costs and attorney fees tremendously. These are things that you should think about as you decide whether or not, and how you want to have a divorce.

As you can see, a divorce can be many things. It is much more than a legal proceeding. A divorce encompasses many areas and will impact upon your life, your spouses’, as well as your children’s. If you have young children, they will be impacted and often scarred for many, many years. Think about this carefully. Filing for divorce should be a last resort, not your first impulse. These are some of my thoughts on the connotation of the word divorce. What are yours?

Couples often get caught up with their perceived injustices in the divorce settlement negotiations. The disdain that they personally have for each other usually just adds fuel to the fire when negotiating.

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we believe to be right that we don’t back up and take a look at what is really the best option for us. It may be helpful to talk to a person who is note emotionally invested in either party.

The question is, will you be willing to consider advice given? Or are you so wrapped up in yourself and resentments you don’t want to listen; you just want to vent.

When I was going through my divorce, my husband was unemployed at the time and he was also looking to move out of state to attend a University to obtain an additional degree. He wanted me to pay him maintenance for two years even though I would have full custody of our daughter. I made a decent living but was not wealthy by any measure.

My lawyer and I were gearing up to fight because I felt it wasn’t fair since he was employable. I was telling a friend about this injustice and the audacity of him to even think I would consider it. My friend simply asked me, “How much money a month are you talking about?” I shared the dollar amount and he said, “Can’t you afford that?” “Barely, but that’s not the point. It’s not fair.”

He simply said, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

That statement hit me like a two-by-four. The reality is that I was an emotional wreck, and although I was certain that if I fought him I would win, I wasn’t sure about the emotional and financial costs of a legal battle. After careful consideration, I contacted my lawyer and told her that I wanted to negotiate on the maintenance, which we did (against her advice I might add!)

What I had decided is that moving on with my life and my 4-year old daughter was more important than the money and additional emotional strain. It was one of the best decisions I made. For the short term, I was able to move on with my life without additional emotional upheaval. For me that was worth every penny.

What has surprised me most has been the unexpected long-term benefit of my settlement. That decision laid down the foundation for the amicable relationship today I have with my ex. As life went on, he became employable and his financial obligation of child support was a non-event to put in place for both of us.

Today the two of us can sit side by side watching our daughter’s dance recital with our significant others. Each time I see the joy in my daughter’s face of seeing her parents together as friends puts me in a place of gratitude of the decision I made many years ago. Now that is priceless!

Based on my own personal experience, I have another perspective. Having been raised by parents that chose to stay together in a miserable marriage, I opt in on the other side. For me, parental divorce is preferable to years of living in a home where parents fight, disrespect one another and children are surrounded by sadness and anger. That’s the world I grew up in and the scars are still with me today, many decades later.

I believe that staying in a marriage only for the kids is a physical choice that doesn’t touch upon the emotional and psychological pain children endure when their parents are a couple in name only. In that environment, there is no positive role model for children to see how marriage can and should be lived. In fact, it makes marriage appear to be something dreaded or to be avoided.

Happiness, harmony, cooperation, respect and joy are all absent when parents are emotionally divorced while still living together. Children feel it, are confused by it and too often blame themselves for their parents’ unhappiness. Consequently, they grow up anxious and guilt-ridden, experiencing little peace in childhood. In many ways, the scars are much the same as for children who experience a poorly handled divorce.

In my opinion, parents who find themselves in an ongoing unhappy marriage who consciously choose to create a child-centered divorce are providing a much better option and outcome for everyone in the family.

My own parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for one another, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like all the other kids. Although my childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity, I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway. Those were vastly different times, especially for women, and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades longer.

Today, looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched in a bad marriage. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The real cost, of course, was the well-being of their children. I believe that each of my parents would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another partner.

That’s why I chose the other route when my own marriage was failing. Because of my childhood experiences, however, I intuitively understood what not to do in divorce. I intentionally worked to create what I call a child-centered divorce. My “was-band” and I co-parented cooperatively, shared the important parenting decisions and maintained a positive relationship for the decade to follow when my son grew from ten to twenty years old. Most gratifying for me was the satisfaction of having my now adult son acknowledge the merits of my co-parenting philosophy and choices.

More than a decade after my divorce, I wrote the book that shared my unique approach to breaking the divorce news to my son. As a grown adult, he is a strong supporter of my child-centered divorce network and wrote the forward to my digital guidebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!

Fortunately, despite my painful childhood, I still believe in marriage and have since happily remarried myself. My advice to unhappily married parents can be summed up succinctly:

If parents have the maturity and determination to get professional assistance before divorce, learn how to positively reconnect and renew their commitment to marriage, that is undeniably ideal. The entire family will benefit and the healing will be a blessing to all.

However, if children are being raised in a war zone or in the silence and apathy of a dead marriage, divorce may open the door to a healthier, happier future for parents and children alike. But parental divorce in itself is never a solution. To give children the best outcome parents must consciously work on creating a cooperative child-centered divorce that puts the children’s psychological well-being first as the basis for all parenting decisions!

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the internationally-acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: childcentereddivorce.com.

If a person needs help losing weight, should he just give up without trying? If an addict feels helpless to live a clean life, should she succumb to the addiction and not seek help? Anything worth having is worth fighting for, and marriage is no different. Building a life together with another person is like building a road. The design of the road is planned ahead of time, but as the concrete is laid, there may be obstacles encountered that require the road to take certain twists and turns. These adjustments, if appropriately managed, may only result in little cracks in the road that can be repaired with some attention. But if ignored, these same little cracks can turn into giant, seemingly irreparable craters. The timing of when you seek marital maintenance may be the difference between whether you need a marriage counselor or a mediator.

Conventional wisdom holds that marriage counselors are in the business of fixing relationships, while mediators are in the business of dismantling them. As a mediator by profession and a hopeless romantic by birth, that sounds pretty dreary, so I look at it a bit differently. Instead of simply ripping apart relationships, the role of a mediator is one of facilitating the dissolution of a marriage by carefully redefining the couple as individuals, and gently extricating their financial and emotional lives so that they can move forward as two separate people. The mediator works closely with both individuals to identify problems and find creative solutions without resorting to litigation. In contrast, marriage counselors are in the business of improving relationships. According relationship expert, Jonathan Zalesne, founder of Fort Collins Family Counseling in Fort Collins, Colorado, “When a couple comes to see me for marital counseling, I see the relationship as my client, not the individuals sitting before me. I tell them up front that, until they tell me that they have given up, I will never stop fighting for their relationship. So long as there is not abuse or an unsafe power differential, I believe that the relationship needs an advocate, and that is how I define my job.”

Though it seems counter-intuitive, marriage counselors and family law mediators are not at opposite ends of the spectrum. There are times when both the sound advice of a marriage counselor and the facilitations by a mediator can help couples cope before, during and after a divorce. Like a road, a marriage is a continual work in progress, requiring re-mapping, planning adjustments and maintenance. And sometimes you need to rip out the road and take a train. As you and your spouse grow and change, your relationship inevitably changes as well. Sometimes the changes cause stress in the relationship. And sometimes they kill it. Only you can determine whether your relationship is worth saving. As Zalesne says, “If your marriage counselor tells you to get a divorce, find a new marriage counselor.”

So what determines which professional to choose? Must you select one over the other? Look for future articles that will discuss signs that you need a marriage counselor and how to choose one, how to identify and select a mediator, and more information regarding the various professionals who can help before, during and after your divorce.

Questions about your relationship? Contact Jonathan Zalesne. Questions about mediation? Contact Diane Danois.

Money issues – particularly when you don’t have enough of it – spell stress. Stress can cause marital problems, and marital problems can result in divorce. The correlation between income and divorce isn’t quite that clear cut, however. Although a University of California study indicates that financial problems are directly linked to marital problems, other factors may help contribute to whether those problems ultimately bring about divorce.

When I arrived at Grandpa’s, I didn’t expect him to have three chins and a jelly belly. Henrietta was at the beauty parlor, so while we waited for her to return home, I explored Grandpa’s big house. It had a basement and was three stories high. We didn’t have stairs in my house in Pacoima, California, so I sat on the carpet runner and bumped, bumped, bumped my way down to the bottom and then ran back up to do it all over again. There was a dreamy pink bedroom on the third floor with a soft chenille bedspread, just perfect for me. I knew I was going to love staying here.

I was on my last two bumps down when Grandpa said he had something to show me. So I jumped off the stairs expecting a present. He took out a black velvet box with a snap lid. “Look what I bought Henrietta at Tiffany’s. Do you think she’ll like it?” He let me hold the heavy gold bracelet with lots of diamonds. And then he whispered, “Not a word. It’s a surprise.”

When Henrietta came home, I didn’t expect her to be so beautiful and young. She had bright red hair and purple eye shadow with sparkles. I asked her if I could have some purple eye shadow. She said, “No Betty, you’re too young, but I’ll put some rouge on you. And here, have a little spritz of Chanel.” I loved her immediately.

Grandpa called out, “What’s for dinner? I’m starved.”

“Eddie darling, I just had my nails done. Let’s order Chinese.”

When the delivery boy arrived, Henrietta had him set the bags down. Grandpa paid him and said, “Here’s a fiver for your trouble.” I thought, Holy cow, my allowance is only six cents a week and I hang up the laundry, iron Daddy’s shirts and hankies, wash and dry the dishes, and scrub out the toilet.

After dinner, Grandpa said to Henrietta, “I’ve got a surprise in my jacket pocket, but it’s gonna cost you, my little Buttercup.” When she opened the Tiffany box, she kissed and kissed him and Grandpa said, “It’s time for Betty to go to bed now.”

I grabbed my suitcase and headed up the stairs to my pink bedroom, but Henrietta called out, “No Betty. You’ll be sleeping downstairs in the parlor.”

I had to go downstairs all by myself. The parlor smelled moldy. It was the ugliest room in the house. I got into my pajamas and climbed between the sheets on the itchy green davenport. It was the first time in my life no one had tucked me in. And today was the first day that Grandpa had met me in person and he didn’t even give me a gift.

When Grandma Annie rang the doorbell the next morning, I couldn’t wait to leave.

Henrietta said, “Betty grab your suitcase.”

I asked, “Isn’t my grandma going to come inside?”

“No. She never comes in.”

Grandpa said, “Let’s go, Betty.” He carried a long skinny book with a green cloth cover. I followed him, dragging and bumping my suitcase down the steps to the front door. Henrietta remained upstairs.

When I stepped outside, the sight of my grandmother instantly embarrassed me. Her hair was a mess and when she smiled I could see red lipstick on her little teeth. I wondered if she owned a mirror and a hairbrush, but then she put a pink Pop-Bead necklace around my neck, and hugged me and kissed me. I felt ashamed. My grandma smelled of Ivory Soap and I felt so loved wrapped up in her arms.

Then my grandfather cleared his throat and Grandma Annie released me.

He counted out fifteen one-dollar bills into Grandma’s outstretched hand. One of the bills fell on the ground. Grandma stooped to pick it up. I stared at her heavy beige stockings rolled below the knees and her swollen ankles bulging over broken down old oxfords. The knuckle of her clawed second toe poked out through a hole in the front of each shoe. She recounted the bills, put them into her pocket book and snapped the cheap clasp shut. Without a single word exchanged between them, Grandpa held open the green cloth book, handed her a pen, and she signed. Grandpa closed the book. As I hugged him goodbye, I wondered if I was hurting Grandma’s feelings. But I also wondered while Grandma hugged me if it had hurt Grandpa’s feelings. I loved them both, and Henrietta too. But nobody liked anybody.

Grandpa walked inside without another word. I looked up to wave goodbye to Henrietta, but all I saw was the curtain fall back over the window.

Grandma picked up my suitcase and said, “Let’s go, Betty.” As we walked to the Lexington Avenue subway station, she began to laugh.

“What’s so funny, Grandma?”

“You want I should cry instead?”

It turns out Grandma Annie did pretty well with her fifteen dollar weekly alimony.

The second time I learned what divorce meant, my mother was awarded one dollar a year alimony from my father.

The third time I learned what it meant, I got zero alimony from my ex.

Yes, that is right, men struggle with divorce. They are not automatons, things without feelings who can brush off the loss of a long-term relationship with ease and nary a backwards glance. While some studies show that men end up wealthier after divorce on average, it is also proven that men suffer from a higher rate of suicide after divorce, and are more prone to alcoholism, weight gain and mental health issues. So why do some men thrive, while others sink into a pit of despair and destructive behavior?

Men, Divorce, Emotions, and Ego

After divorce, men go through a crisis that is all too often oversimplified in their own eyes and the eyes of society. Being sad and regretful is one thing, but these are transient phases. Anyone (male or female) who loses something important to them experiences what we would commonly call grief. Losing ones wife/family is similar in how it hits our psyche as the death of a family member, the loss of a job, or even the loss of a sentimental item. It is a process to overcome that enormous loss — one that has a profound effect on how we see ourselves and our place in the world. A man who is divorced must come to terms not just with this loss, but how that loss affects his ego.

I should break off here to explain ego. While the term is often used to describe someone who thinks too much of themselves — as in having a “big ego” — the root meaning of the word is our internal sense of who we are as a reflection of other people and society. It is how we view our role and place in society based on a lifetime of interactions with the society in which we live. The ego is a necessary thing for us to function in society, but it also causes some extreme problems when it comes to loss and grief due to how tightly our ego is tied up with family, love and marriage.

Often men who get divorced have to contend with the fact that his entire sense of self worth was tied up with his marriage. He had locked his self worth to his heart as soon as he said “I do” and probably well before that. The binding of marriage to his ego was then reinforced by society’s notions of commitment, love, fatherhood, and responsibility of being the head of the household. A man who has been divorced finds himself adrift without knowing his place or worth because he gained so much of his sense of self from his partner and had not developed a true understanding of his real self. When you feel the pang of loss and grief, this is your ego raging against the situation. This is what causes the anger, the depression, the anxiety and desperation.

Self Esteem and Men Recovering From Divorce

With this information, we can begin to understand a man’s emotional turmoil after divorce. We can also see why certain patterns of behavior appear and what they really mean.

Long have women been amazed at the behavior of some divorced men, where they fling themself into extreme situations that end up being quite self-destructive. Some men turn to work and throw themselves into it with ferocity, some men choose alcohol as a salve, some choose harder drugs, and other still turn to dating well before they are ready. All of these things and more are linked to a single thing — an ego that is hurting and the desperate need to boost their self esteem to feel valued, or feel pleasure in other ways.

This is a terrible trap for the unwary as any activity that raises your self esteem temporarily is followed by a crash when you come back to earth and you still have a shattered ego. Bedding a new woman might feel good for the night and makes you feel wanted, but it doesn’t last. Going clubbing makes you feel young, fun, and in control of your life, until the next morning when you do not. The worst offenders continue trying to get these quick self esteem boosts over and over like a drug as they fear the comedown worst of all — but none can escape the inevitability of hitting the bottom of the barrel.

Men recovering from divorce need to put aside the quest to make themselves feel better through short-term self esteem boosting activities, and focus instead on building their self respect. Recovery from divorce for men is about moving through the phases of grief and coming out the end with a new outlook and a new life, not fighting to put your old life back together as your ego wants it.

—

Kyle Morrison is a happily divorced man with two amazing sons, possibly the laziest cat on earth, and an ex-wife who he has learned to forgive, and co-parent with despite the messy break up. He works as a consultant in higher education and has a burning passion for learning, men’s rights, and mental health.

Kyle runs the website Men After Divorce and you can find more articles there on the blog. You can also follow Kyle Morrison on Google+, Facebook, or Twitter!

But there’s another way. Increasingly couples are turning to divorce mediation as a realistic and healthier alternative. A couple meets with a mediator to hammer out an agreement covering all the terms of their divorce, including finances and child custody. This usually takes six to 10 sessions and costs roughly $5,000. As a litigator and mediator I prefer to mediate, if appropriate. It’s faster, cheaper and, most importantly, less acrimonious, which is less damaging, not just for a couple, but also their children.

The problem for some — and you know who you are — is that the idea of mediation still carries with it the perception that it’s too touchy-feely to work; there’s the whiff of Birkenstocks and herbal tea. Soon you’ll be holding hands and chanting Om.

Eight myths about divorce mediation:

1. I’m all for mediating — just not with that *&#$@

No myth has a greater tug. You can’t stand being in the same room with your spouse, you can’t get past hello without an argument, so how are you supposed to work together on an agreement?

This is where a mediator comes in. The mediator keeps your conversations productive and focused when you find yourselves fighting the same old battles. And the mediator steers you toward making rational decisions you both think are fair.

2. The legal profession objects

In the 1970s, when private divorce mediation began, bar associations denounced it.

By 2000, the American Bar Association had embraced divorce mediation to such an extent that they collaborated with national mediation groups to devise the Model Standards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation.

3. I can’t choose a mediator — there’s no way to tell the good from the bad and the ugly

It’s true that currently no state in the country requires a private mediator to be licensed or certified. So theoretically your tailor could hang out the shingle: “Hems and Divorce Mediations.”

But there are ways to determine a good mediator. Does the mediator you’re considering have:

• A strong knowledge of the state’s divorce laws (mediators can’t give legal advice, but can give you legal information)
• A graduate degree in law or a mental health profession
• At least 60 hours mediation training — the more the better
• A commitment to follow the Model Standards of Practice for Family and Divorce Mediation: www.afccnet.org/pdfs/modelstandards.pdf

4. No do-gooder mediator is pressuring me into saving my marriage

Mediators aren’t couples therapists. Their job is not to reunite you. Mediators focus solely on helping you come up with a way to separate that you both think is fair and workable.

5. I’ll be winging it with the family’s assets

In mediation you thoroughly analyze assets just as you would in a traditional divorce. You bring in outside experts such as accountants, real estate appraisers and tax attorneys to calculate your family’s true net worth, so you have a realistic basis on which to divide your assets.

6. The courtroom is the best place to fight for my kids

You want to do everything to protect your access and relationship to your children. But when you wage a court battle, you put your kids in the middle. They’re the ones in the no-win situation.

As a mediator, I have found that custody mediations are frequently transformative. Parties deal with the fact that they’ll have an ongoing relationship as parents. And they realize that when it comes to the kids, they can be on the same side. The result? Parties come up with a parenting plan they’ve jointly agreed on and gain tools to communicate with each other about their children. And research shows that parents who mediate have a better long-term relationship with their children.

7. Mediation is always the best way to go

There are times when mediation is not appropriate:

• There is physical/emotional abuse
• Judgment is impaired (i.e. drug/alcohol addiction)
• A spouse is hiding assets

And if despite your best efforts, you find mediation isn’t working, you can stop at any point and proceed with a traditional divorce.

8. Mediation means I’ll have to settle for less; I want to go to court and take my spouse to the cleaners

“Elin Nordegren Gets $750M, Custody of Kids in Exchange for Silence”

Seeing headlines like these, who doesn’t think that hiring a $1,000-an-hour divorce attorney is the best way to get what you deserve? But in reality, divorce isn’t a winner-take-all sport. In community property states (like California) courts have to split marital property down the middle. In states that don’t have community property laws (like New York) they split assets equitably.

It has been shown that parties generally end up dividing their assets along the same lines regardless of whether they mediated or fought over them in court. So unless your spouse is a superstar with paparazzi problems, waging an expensive court battle means only one thing for certain — you’re reducing the assets that you’re battling over.

Follow Joanne Naiman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/naimandivorce

Read and heed these back to school tips to prevent your child from suffering the negative consequences of your divorce.

10 Back to School Tips:

shared by Ellen Kellner, author of The Pro-Child Way: Parenting With an Ex taken from an interview I did with Ellen from my past Teleseminar archives.

1. Plan transitions: First on the list is for you as a parent to do something visible for your child. Your presence must not just be known to your child but must especially be felt and seen. One way, is to put some reminders on to your child’s back pack by pinning a tag that would visibly remind him or her that you are there for him or her always. The whole point is that you should be mindful always that your child knows where she’s going at the end of the day and that your child will not experience that sense of not knowing that’s going to happen to him or her when the day at school is over.
2. Coordinate the Calendar: Second tip is for you to be able to know what’s happening to your child in school as far as school activities are concerned. You can do this by getting a hold of the school’s calendar and letting your child know that you are aware of the schools’ activities. You must make sure that your ex also knows the activities so that your child will have that sense that both of you, as his or her parents, are concerned.
3. “Back-to-School” night: It is very important that your child gets all your support, both you and your ex’s, during the “Back-to-School” night. It is the very time when she needs to shore up his or her confidence level and show to the rest of the school that she’s loved and that she is special. You must be mindful that both you and your ex’s presence, peaceful presence at that, will really be huge boost to your child’s self-esteem.
4. Plan the After School Activities. Tip number four extends tip number three not only to the “Back-to-School” night but to your child’s other activities like his or her recitals, games and other engagements in school. In dealing with the presence of your ex, you must agree beforehand that you both are there for your child and must set aside divorce issues. This time is not about the two of you but about your child.
5. Talk to the Teacher: Tip number five further extends both your presence to your child’s school conferences. Again, in attending to your child’s school conference, both you and your ex should agree ahead that it’s not about your divorce, but about your child’s schooling. The focus should be your child and her studies and therefore both of you should be there for him or her.
6. Menu Plan: The next tip, tip number six, deals with your child’s school lunches. As much as possible, be on top of what your child needs and wants for his or her lunch. If you can show to your child that you are as much concerned with her studies as well as what you like to eat, he or she will definitely feel your love. You must also make sure that this concern is extended by your ex and you can do this by, again communicating this concern way ahead of time in an atmosphere of concern for your child.
7. Be flexible with your child’s major homework assignments. Make sure that he or she will be in the best place to create what it is that here she needs to do in order to excel at school. If your child is more comfortable doing his or her major homework assignment at his or her Dad’s home, then let him or her have that space.
8. Talk to your Ex: Make sure that both you and your ex are communicating enough to each about your child. This way your child will feel that both of you have his or her best interest at heart. This will also ensure that you will not be entangled in the “you-against-your ex-spouse” game.
9. Have the “Night Before Bedtime” chat. Make sure that you spend enough time listening and talking with your child about just about anything.  It doesn’t necessarily have to be just before bedtime, anytime will do as long as you can provide lots of empty space and quiet time with each other and share things back and forth with your child.
10. Talk to your child. Make sure that you are communicating with your child all the time and wrapping them in the security that you will take care of the situation. Communicate and let them know that without a doubt you will always be there for him or her.

Thank you to Ellen Kellner for these important tips.

For more Back To School co-parenting tips and a helpful online tool to facilitate and coordinate between co-parents visit http://divorcemoneymatters.com/back-to-school-tips-for-co-parents/.