Finding Your Way Back From Financial Infidelity – Written by Kristin Davin
Equally damaging to a relationship as any other type of infidelity, financial infidelity weds a deep sense of betrayal and deceit with a profound loss of trust. It shakes the foundation of a relationship.
Secret purchases on credit cards, borrowing money from a bank account or credit card, stashing money, and incurring debt unbeknownst from a partner or spouse, creates the web of financial infidelity.
Yet, it’s not just about secretly spending and hiding money. That would be too easy. It is much more complicated.
To understand the present, you must understand the past.
A person’s relationship with money – what money means to them, were they raised with money, how their parents spent and viewed money, how much they have or don’t, the amount and type of debt (credit cards, bank loans, student loans), if they are a spender or a saver, their income, both past and present, how they view their disposable income (if they have it or not) and how decisions are made about purchases, both big and small is integral to understanding financial infidelity.
The deep sense of shame they feel because of their secretive behaviors is the foundation of the infidelity. Shame is a powerful and painful emotion. Shame says I am bad person. I am flawed. Its these same feelings of shame keeps a person stuck in the vicious cycle of secrecy even though they know what they are doing is wrong.
You are not alone
Research conducted in 2012 by Self.com and Today.com who surveyed almost 24,000 men and women found:
- Almost 50% of married adults admitted to keeping money secrets from their spouses.
- 37% of men and 56% of women admitted to lying to their partner about money.
- 63% of men and 70% of women agreed that being honest about money was as important as being monogamous.
- 31% of couples had committed financial infidelity.
- 1 in 10. That’s the ratio that people admit to having hidden credit card purchases, which have played a role in their separation or divorce, according to a report by Moneysupermarket.com and reported in the article, Secret Credit Card Spending and Divorce Linked in New Survey.
According to Adrian Nazari, Founder and CEO of CreditSesame.com, and further discussed in the Huffington article, Financial Infidelity: What To Do When Someone Cheats, there are three warning signs of potential financial infidelity:
- Suspicious withdrawal,
- Changing the topic when money issues come up,
- A partner who wants to control the finances.
A person should also look for their partner insisting on secret passwords for online banking accounts and having separate credit cards.
Discovery and Disclosure
The awareness that the financial infidelity is much more complex and destructive than first imagined becomes more real. The betrayed partner experiences rage, intense anger, heartbreak, and immediate loss of trust for their partner. They ask:
What else could they be hiding? How could you do this to us? How could I have missed this? Am I that blind? (Blaming self) How long has this been going on? How will I be able to trust him/her again?
Getting to that place of recovery, overcoming the infidelity, and rebuilding trust is often a lengthy process but there are steps that you can take to recover and rebuild.
Steps to Recover and Rebuild Your Relationship
1.) Full Disclosure. In other words, come clean and put your debt on the table. This entails coming clean and taking ownership of the debt and the infidelity. Apologize and mean it. A person’s willingness to examine their behaviors, take responsibility for their finances AND incurred debt and infidelity, and tackle the difficult feelings – the shame and embarrassment are vital.
2.) Create a conversation. People vary in their relationship with and behaviors towards money. Again, ask: What is your relationship with money? What affects have your family’s relationship with money affected your relationship with money? Can you separate a want from a need? The answers create a context for understanding your partner’s relationship with money and helps provide an explanation, not necessarily an excuse.
3.) Review your budget. I remain surprised by the number of people who have no budget (read, “fly by the seat of their pants”). They have no idea on how much money it takes to run their home, take care of their bills, and what, if any, their disposable income is.
4.) Set financial rules and goals. Make time on a regular basis to discuss money, bills, expenses, and short and long term financial goals for the future. How much can a person spend on their own – no questions asked? Who will manage the money and budget? What are the parameters for making joint versus unilateral decisions?
5.) Seek professional help. It is imperative that both people have a willingness to seek outside professional help – be it a financial counselor and/or marital therapist. You will need a third party who provides an objective viewpoint and new skills and strategies you will need to get you through the tenuous times – and there will be many.
Since the infidelity didn’t occur overnight, the problems will not dissipate overnight. The pain and suffering caused by one, will be felt by both. People want the bad feelings and problems to “just go away” and resolve quickly. It doesn’t happen this way. There will be a lot of “fits and starts”, improvements yet setbacks and relapses. Expect the betrayed partner to ask the same questions – more than once or even twice.
Remember that your feelings will be all over the place and will feel like you are on a roller coaster. You are.
Where there is hope
Despite the significant damage that can be caused on the relationship due to the infidelity, it doesn’t always lead down the path of complete dissolution of the relationship. Relationships recover. People forgive. People grieve the loss, hurt, and betrayal and learn how to move on from and live with the experience. Trust eventually returns.
Over time, disclosure, greater transparency, and a willingness to share feelings – both good and bad – provides the couple with not only the ability to trust again but an openness to resolve issues together before they become significant problems. The concerted effort made by both and their willingness to communicate more honestly and openly will be rewarding with hopes of saving the relationship.